Queer Chronicles by Kenneth Allen, ©2004

September 17, 2004

Dearest Pandora!

A letter to slam-poet, dyke-extraordinaire, Pandora Scooter.

Dearest Pandora,

In admiration of your fight against the political powers that be, I promised myself to register for the election in good time to relax and enjoy my first New York poll visit. Thank you, though, for continuing to remind others to do so. One should visit the polls as often as they are available. But I must share my re-registration experience:

I re-registered from address past via the Internet. Oddest thing. Somehow at the end of the whole ordeal I discovered must have mis-clicked without knowing it. Not trusting the superhighway of information -- designed and built by the military, et al, I carefully verified all my information before submission. Submission is a commitment, after all. Horror of horrors, Hannah! I was marked as Republican. Conspiracy or truly a mis-click? You decide.

Now, to correct this, I knew from experience that I would have to start the form all over again - that's what happened every time I'd gone to correct any of the old information from my previous life in other states and I was tired of typing. For that reason alone I almost submitted. But I couldn't submit out of laziness. A responsible citizen thinks about their decisions before effecting them. Then it hit me. I would infiltrate. I would go with the R word. And just to prove that I didn't make the decision completely out of laziness (as I knew some would claim), I started the form all over again anyway. Somehow, I was following a divine light. Which thinking so, pretty much makes me a good candidate for them anyway.

Pandora, I am a free man now. The answer was there all along. First, I will be one vote that the Republicans will be counting on but they won't get. Sue-----weet! They're gonna lie, why don't I? Second, it gives me full rights to wear t-shirts that say things like, "This Republican is pissed." And I would dare anyone to challenge the validity of that statement. I'm a card-carryin' one ... by God. Next, I could seduce Republican conventioneers with my voter registration card and matching photo IDs (as we all have to carry a pile of cards and first-born around with us at all time anyway ... in this lovely fascist state my Party created for us). Once I had them convinced I was bona fide and everything, I could trip their programmed minds with the very basic of questions I should be asking delegates in their situation like, "So, who else can we nominate?" It was like that scene from the Stepford Wives when the robots go all bonky. Triple Suuuuue-weeeet! Again, I am a FREE MAN, Pandora. GLORY ... Glory hallelujah!

I do not know what the future of the election campaign holds for me and what more I can do in my destiny of molehood -- perhaps create my own "Republican" group, complete with letterhead. Think of the correspondence I could create! It is in God's hands ... or at least, when I figure it out, I'll stick it in God's hands and say, "Hey, look over there" while I take a picture. After all, I'm a Republican! I know I need proof for any decent half-truth. But I do know this ... now more than ever ... that there is more truth than meets the eye to the phrase, "Anyone who says they're a gay Republican is a liar." And get this. This whole escapade even comes with an grand exit. A Golden Parachute - lots of people in my Party have one or two of these ... need I remind you? I've decided that I will culminate the escapade by "turning all lefty on them" and re-registering Democrat. When that day comes, I will think about how I truly walked a mile in the shoes of my enemy. I will hope that the world is better for this even though I know that my enemy, were he in my place, probably wouldn't give the shoes back.

Thanks for all the hounding. You now know that one more person will be voting this year because of you.

Smooches,
Ken Allen

Comment/leave a note on the corkboard
Next Entry | Last Entry
Queer Chronicles© Main Page | E-Merging Writers

All material copyright 2004©